Was/Is she Sam??..

She was beautiful. She is beautiful.

Even though it took (extra) effort to have a 30+ minute conversation with her, it was always worth it..

Why??

Because for some reason, any conversation we had, no matter the subject matter, began and ended with a smile. I felt good. Everything was right. If I wasn't in the best mood, the conversation itself helped. I didn't even need to talk about my problems or thoughts, they kind of just fixed themselves. And I felt I could do the same for her..

Anything went when we spoke. No boundaries. I could be weird. I could laugh. I could be as sweet as I wanted to be. I was so comfortable...There was even that bit of nervousness thrown in there, the type that I look forward to.

But what happened??

I have no idea, really. Not to say I think of her the same way, but I've had some people I thought were pretty close to me a couple of years back who, all of a sudden, stopped keeping in contact with me. Everything just changed. And I was left in the dust with no reasons. Just confusion as to what I did, if anything, for them to stop talking to me. They were my close friends. Now they're...

Same thing with her.

Maybe she had/has issues she's dealing with?? Maybe she didn't want to get closer to me?? I don't know, but as people, we would love to know the answer to everything..

Do I have any negative feelings towards her??

Not really. It just hurt that I had to go through a very similar experience to what I just mentioned. She didn't know that. And what she probably doesn't know either is that that first experience led to this "downfall" I've had in college in terms of company. She's told me things such as "they aren't going to pay for school or your apartment", but do you know how difficult it is to walk to and from where you need to go, everyday, with no human contact, no one that will reach out to you to see you??
People who isolate themselves from friends, don't understand this. They receive calls, texts, and messages from people in their area. They have the opportunity to "hang out" with others, people who regard them as friends.
I don't.

But anyways, the only thing in that situation that bothered me as well would be that I would've preferred someone, anyone, to tell me "ok, we won't be talking as much anymore for this reason". I prefer that so much more.

And this is not about me. I'm not trying to be any type of victim whatsoever, and I don't consider that the case. It just sucks. That's all. Nothing that depreciates my mood. No sad or depressing mood to this entry at all. This is about Sam...is she her??

All those amazing things I mentioned about her...I still think those about her.
Did I try hard enough?? Probably. Probably not. My mentality was to not bother her, not seem desperate. I honestly just loved the connection. And I know it was something that made us both happy. Who knows?? Something bigger could've developed?? We were never a "thing", just mutual attraction (well at least on my part). But I did put effort into trying to talk to her much more often, no question. No cruel or immoral intentions in my heart.

In all, I just wish that she knew how open I was to talking to her about anything. How much I was/AM willing to help her, whether it was to alleviate her mood or just be there for her if she needed a voice or to vent. How great I thought our conversations were. How much I looked past her to see the inner beauty rather than just someone to look at.



So back to Sam...

She was a great escape. My eyes and ears were always set on her when we spoke.
She was free-flowing. With her, anything goes. And I loved that. No matter how much weird stuff we use to randomly bring up.
She kept me smiling :)


So maybe, but is it a question of love?? Not at all, lol. And I hope whatever I have said doesn't make anyone think otherwise. With these kinds of things, it's all about seeing both the present and potential. When we were in our present, it was just good. Good. And obviously you look at what could potential happen if we were to talk more, if we were to see each other. But then again, that's really just the case with anything, so it doesn't really need focus until weeks, months, years of continuity..

Regardless if she was/is Sam, it was a great connection that I would definitely not mind having again with her. But that's really all up to her and what makes her comfortable. I will always respect that..