Patience..

My time will come. For everything..

And I can't wait!

The moment stress and confusion turn into hope and relaxation. I'm already there. But now it's time for the next step: a sense of accomplishment and a new-found appreciation for what I plan on attaining. I'm ready and waiting :)

Understanding..

Some things are better when they aren't understood or misunderstood..

And you don't understand; you're not suppose to though...Just believe in me, I know where I'm headed..

My feeling is that I rather people learn to believe in than learn to understand me, as in, try to crack my "codes". This refers to one's personality/self, however.

Regarding situations, people will tend to say "you'll never understand what I'm going through" and things of that sort. In a way, a lot of people will. Being able to place yourself successfully into one's shoes is a good trick. Verstehen. We can learn to separate ourselves from ourselves and place ourselves in an imaginary/rehearsed situation that will reflect about 99.9% of the actual situation. We can still experience those situations in a mental fashion. The only thing we cannot feel as 2nd/3rd parties is the physical experience.

But enough of that, there's my point there ^. But to seep more into the first statement I had made, I try to steer from the "we don't want to know the truth because the truth hurts" notion. Things are better when they aren't understood because what we have that is so hard to be understood is part of what makes us unique. It's sacred to us and we cherish it more than many, if not, all things. Things are better when they are misunderstood because we then leave them knowing false answers that they think are true, thus halting their pursuit in trying to understand. That pursuit is a tough one, and is usually unsuccessful.

So, to sum up a few things, I would say that situations are better understood and are possible to be understood enough to give us that insight where we would not be considered ignorant. The physical experience is still left out, however what we as people go through mentally takes a much larger toll. We can and should pursue an understanding.

Personalities, actions, and things of that sort that shape us as unique individuals are better misunderstood or not understood at all. The pursuit of this kind of understanding is less encouraged and there truly isn't any type of benefit for actually completing this understanding. In this case, learning to believe/trust in that person is better suited.

AcIdOught Self..

It's really hard for me to tell someone that they have shit personality traits or that they engage in shit actions. It's not that I want to and can''t do it; it's just that I don't give a shit.

Growth and progression is important in a person in terms of many things, including personality. Some people are still developing, some are developed. Some that are developing have a path they want to walk towards, and some are lost. Some that are developed feel as though they are well off, and some feel as though they cannot grow any further or give up.

I'm pretty much for someone who wants to continue to get better as much as possible. Flaws are pointed out by either ourselves or others through either criticism or experience. Some act on them positively or negatively.

So just know that sometimes when you do complain, it may have to do with either your lack of development or your lack of motivation to develop.

We all have the ability to be the best "me" that we could ever be in our own rights. Our best "me" will not always be universally accepted, but, for the most part, should not be selfish in that our best "me" benefits "me" and "me" only. It shouldn't be selfless either, in that we want everyone to like us. What's the point of being a person everyone likes if you truly don't like yourself? What's the point of liking yourself, yet most people are in agreement that you are a shitty person?

Yeah, who cares what people say. But when there is a consensus, it does matter.

Anyways, this is why I'm always happy about shit, usually random shit, or ignore negative shit. Why let it break you? The path to growing as a person should never be disturbed. So fuck it, be happy, grow up even when you technically you have grown up, and be the best "me" you can be :)...Kind of like combining your ought, ideal, and actual self into one product that is continually worked on :D

Was/Is she Sam??..

She was beautiful. She is beautiful.

Even though it took (extra) effort to have a 30+ minute conversation with her, it was always worth it..

Why??

Because for some reason, any conversation we had, no matter the subject matter, began and ended with a smile. I felt good. Everything was right. If I wasn't in the best mood, the conversation itself helped. I didn't even need to talk about my problems or thoughts, they kind of just fixed themselves. And I felt I could do the same for her..

Anything went when we spoke. No boundaries. I could be weird. I could laugh. I could be as sweet as I wanted to be. I was so comfortable...There was even that bit of nervousness thrown in there, the type that I look forward to.

But what happened??

I have no idea, really. Not to say I think of her the same way, but I've had some people I thought were pretty close to me a couple of years back who, all of a sudden, stopped keeping in contact with me. Everything just changed. And I was left in the dust with no reasons. Just confusion as to what I did, if anything, for them to stop talking to me. They were my close friends. Now they're...

Same thing with her.

Maybe she had/has issues she's dealing with?? Maybe she didn't want to get closer to me?? I don't know, but as people, we would love to know the answer to everything..

Do I have any negative feelings towards her??

Not really. It just hurt that I had to go through a very similar experience to what I just mentioned. She didn't know that. And what she probably doesn't know either is that that first experience led to this "downfall" I've had in college in terms of company. She's told me things such as "they aren't going to pay for school or your apartment", but do you know how difficult it is to walk to and from where you need to go, everyday, with no human contact, no one that will reach out to you to see you??
People who isolate themselves from friends, don't understand this. They receive calls, texts, and messages from people in their area. They have the opportunity to "hang out" with others, people who regard them as friends.
I don't.

But anyways, the only thing in that situation that bothered me as well would be that I would've preferred someone, anyone, to tell me "ok, we won't be talking as much anymore for this reason". I prefer that so much more.

And this is not about me. I'm not trying to be any type of victim whatsoever, and I don't consider that the case. It just sucks. That's all. Nothing that depreciates my mood. No sad or depressing mood to this entry at all. This is about Sam...is she her??

All those amazing things I mentioned about her...I still think those about her.
Did I try hard enough?? Probably. Probably not. My mentality was to not bother her, not seem desperate. I honestly just loved the connection. And I know it was something that made us both happy. Who knows?? Something bigger could've developed?? We were never a "thing", just mutual attraction (well at least on my part). But I did put effort into trying to talk to her much more often, no question. No cruel or immoral intentions in my heart.

In all, I just wish that she knew how open I was to talking to her about anything. How much I was/AM willing to help her, whether it was to alleviate her mood or just be there for her if she needed a voice or to vent. How great I thought our conversations were. How much I looked past her to see the inner beauty rather than just someone to look at.



So back to Sam...

She was a great escape. My eyes and ears were always set on her when we spoke.
She was free-flowing. With her, anything goes. And I loved that. No matter how much weird stuff we use to randomly bring up.
She kept me smiling :)


So maybe, but is it a question of love?? Not at all, lol. And I hope whatever I have said doesn't make anyone think otherwise. With these kinds of things, it's all about seeing both the present and potential. When we were in our present, it was just good. Good. And obviously you look at what could potential happen if we were to talk more, if we were to see each other. But then again, that's really just the case with anything, so it doesn't really need focus until weeks, months, years of continuity..

Regardless if she was/is Sam, it was a great connection that I would definitely not mind having again with her. But that's really all up to her and what makes her comfortable. I will always respect that..

Sam..

I want her..I need her..

She's beautiful, cute, unique, free-flowing, not afraid to be weird, somehow keeps a smile on your face, and allows for you to escape everything else going on around you. Every time I watch this movie, even though I know exactly what happens and when it happens, I cannot stop smiling whenever she appears.

And that's exactly what me and many others want: for that initial spark and enjoyment a woman gives you to never leave.

And for her to be this escape. This escape that we all want, whether it be from routines, stress, people, or any other negativity.


"  I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have. "


" what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good. "


That second quote had me. I fell in love with her for that..



But will I ever find her??

Funny thing is, I actually live in the Garden State..